PickUp 101

Breaking Up - How, When, and Why To Do It

This is the part of pickup no one talks about. And I know, for some guys it seems like it's the least of their concerns.

"I can't get any of the women I want, dude! Why the hell would I care about how to break up with them?"

I'll tell you why I think knowing how to end a relationship (any relationship) is just as important as knowing how to start one.

Unless you know how to end things as well as you can, you will always hold back. You will always submarine yourself when it comes to approaching, connecting, and yes, even dating the women you really want.

And that's fucked up. That's not why I'm here. And I'm pretty sure that's not why you are here. You want to be a man who loves women, who women love, and who women are better for having known.

Part of the responsbility is knowing when to let go, and how to do it. So today I want to point you to two articles on this.

Here's my take on how to break up from my own personal blog at MakeGirlsSmile.com.

There are millions, literally millions, of
articles, ebooks, internet posts, and
products telling men how to meet, attract, be
intimate with, and date the women they want.

And there is next to nothing to help men
learn how to gracefully break off a
relationship that is no longer making him
happy.

Oh, we all know how to break up the
old-school way. You wait until things start
going bad, then you withdraw, get bitter,
stop having fun, stop making love, stop
laughing and smiling and goofing around, and
keep scowling and shying away from contact
and intimacy.

And you blame her. You compile lists of the
things you don't like and the offenses she
has caused. You don't talk about it, but you
build it up, like a court case.

A preponderance of evidence that this was
never meant to be. And then time passes, and
you start to believe it was all wrong all
along.

So that's the break up. You deny that it was
ever good. You focus on the bad just as in
the beginning you may have unknowingly
focused on the good. And the nicknames, the
in-jokes, the love notes and smiles, all are
wiped from memory and denied like math
lessons on a 4th grade chalkboard.

Maybe the memory remains, but you program it
with new meaning. It was never real, and
that's the only thing that makes it possible
to move on.

So what do you get then? All you wanted was
to stop the back and forth that was making
you unfulfilled, and instead you have
re-written history to pretend it was always
unfulfilling.

She is left feeling you were bullshitting her
all along, and you are left knowing you
failed as a man, and as a lover.

You left her worse. You burned her. You hurt
her heart and the scarring will cover where
you left it cut.

What if there was a way to make it OK, to
make it gentle? I mean, if we're going to be
dating, it is just as important to know how
to handle the end of the relationship just
as smoothly as the beginning.

I don't know what the answer is. But I know
this. I'll never again just let it get to
where we both despise each other and cover
our hurt by pretending it was never real.
Maybe it takes a couple of passes. You break
up once, then get back together. Then try it
for a while, and come back around to what you
already knew.

Breaking up is not a failure. Breaking up is
a sign of real love. The cowards are the ones
who stay when it gets unhappy.

Live your life. Trust the other person to
live theirs. And accept that they may need to
handle it differently than you. But know that
once you've loved someone, that imprint stays
in your heart, and as long as you don't
poison it with regret, it embiggens you like
few other things can.

To all the girls I've broken up with, I'm
sorry. But I'm not. I wouldn't take back a
second to avoid the pain. And no matter what
happens, I'll always be there for you.

Even if I'm toothless and riding in a Rascal
when the call happens to come.

And here's a great step-by-step guide that makes it easy to remember (if not always easy to do) from my friend Ryan at DeWussified.

So you started a relationship with a cute, sweet girl who turned out to be an emotional wreck and possibly mentally insane.  No problem, the hardest part is breaking up…err, actually it might be staying broke up, but first things first. Realize that any relationship you are in should improve both people's lives, and in this case, focus on how your life currently is compared to how you would like it to be. If your life is not going the way you want it to, then follow these seven steps to break up with your girlfriend:

1. Take a break from each other - Tell your girlfriend you're taking some time alone (and give her a definite day when you will be done). Keep it to about a week or two at the most, since at this point in the relationship things are probably rocky and you don't want to draw out the pain too long. It is crucial that you not see her or speak to her at all (or as little as possible). The reason you want to be completely away from her is so that your mind and body can clear the emotions which are clouding your reasoning and judgment. She will probably fight with you about this saying that 'she really needs you right now', or try to put some other guilt trip on you, but you must be firm and stand your ground.

2. Make a decision - Once your head is cleared and you've taken a step back from your situation, figure out what is best for you. Decide who and what you believe and be brutally honest with what kind of person your girlfriend really is. Does she lie? Have you suspected her of cheating? Can you trust her? Are you counting on her to change even though she has given you signs that she doesn't want to? Do you see a future with this woman and even the possibility that she could be the mother of your kids? Are you counting on the future to be different than what it is now (even though it will most likely be more of the same). Do you have ulterior motives for keeping this relationship alive (such as satisfying your family or friends, you don't think you will be able to find anyone else, etc)? Ask yourself, how would a real man act in this situation? Don't stay in a relationship just because you have 'history', it may be bad history and you want to end that as soon as possible.

3. Make a plan - If you've decided to end it, then you must figure out the implications when you break the news. Does she have possession of anything of yours that is valuable such as expensive electronics, memorabilia etc? Are the both of you in any joint contracts or ownership agreements such as real estate loans, car payments, credit cards, etc? Figure out a way that you can get out of any agreements and get your stuff back safely in case she flips out and goes on a rampage (such as having a mutual friend get your stuff while she is gone, etc).

4. Tell her your decision - Communicate to her in person exactly how you feel and what you've decided. Remember, the decision is over so do not ask, beg, or plead but tell her in a mature manner that is not spiteful, immature, or childish. Be prepared for threats against you or herself. Do not cave under the pressure; she will probably try to get you to reconsider any way possible. Expect tears. If she is seriously suicidal (and not just trying to manipulate you), then you should arrange for her friends to be nearby when you break the news and possibly some medical help as well.

5. Hold your ground - Forever. Do not doubt yourself or be swayed, the decision is final. Realize that people can change, but the chances are very small and any changes she may make in the future are most likely just surface changes not personal transformation.

6. Avoid her completely - Do not email, speak, or see her until you are comfortable with the idea of her having sex with someone else, then you can talk to her again (but with extreme caution and very limited). Remember, after you break up, it is crucial for your emotional connections to be severed completely so you can be truly free from her (this can take months or sometimes even years).

7. Be a man about it - If you decide to be ‘friends’ with her, be cordial and mature about it. Don't bring up old issues but treat her as a new guy friend. Don't be needy or go out of your way to help her, and especially don’t fall into mind games. If she tries to make you jealous, hit on you, or bring up old issues, stop her immediately and remind her you are only friends and if she keeps it up you are outta there! 

Breaking up is part of the game too. We spend so much time and energy thinking about how to make it work… we need to make sure we pay at least as much attention to how to handle it when it's just not working anymore. It's not failure. It's growth. You are supposed to date, and you're supposed to enjoy it. Learn how to handle the end, and the beginning gets easier.

- Sean Newman